Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dandelions are Beautiful


Thinking about it recently, on how much of an impact the books "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and "The Catcher in the Rye" had on so many people in their younger coming of-ageness, including myself. These books told stories of introversion, and alienation, reaching out to "young adults" in a whole other channel, as opposed to the cliche' football hero/cheerleader lovefest. Did these two books impact in a positive or negative way? Personally, I feel like it fed the pain-body in those who were susceptible to such a relation, creating a separateness from the rest "I'm different, that's just not me, they just don't understand". Yes, the questioning is all apart of the coming-of-age process. The question is, is that healthy? Instead of just being, and enjoying moment to moment the small things in life, so many young-adults are just going through the motions to get by just another day. How tragic, their youth is invested on fear, and worrying; as opposed to love, enjoyment, and gratitude- completely throwing them off of their life's track's of the journey of finding their life's purpose. Reading and identifying with like-books and like-culture creates a comfort zone and feeds the invisible justification of being a victim, using blame as a reason to compensate for their irresponsible actions, carrying into their future careers, relationships, and belief of who they really are. If not aware of these things, it becomes a cycle, and some people never do become aware of these things. So next time you come into contact with a child or young adult, maybe give a small compliment on what you see that they're doing right, words that they do not here very often, you may spark the inner Mia Hamm, Michael Jordan, Steven Spielberg, Dr. Oz. Some of the people whom believe their duty is to guide them (ei: occasional teachers, parents, coaches) unconsciously give critiques on what not to do, or point out what they're doing wrong- in hopes that it will make a difference. It's not their fault, they mean well, but by pointing out what's wrong will only bring feelings of incompetence and failure. Which, might I add are really illusions, and do not exist, only when we believe they do.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Magical Munchies


At the top of a mountain somewhere in Switzerland, was a small village named Sycamore Village. It was a small village of ten or so families, there was only one store, and that was the local general store owned by a very friendly husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Beezly. A young women in her twenties, Annabelle, would always stop by to pick up eggs, bread, and milk, and she would also drop off as a gift, her magical cupcakes. These cupcakes were not magical by a magicians standards, but when people tasted these cupcakes, they would send sparkling sensations to their taste buds. Annabelle loved to bake. She didn't use a recipe, formula, or measuring cups. Everything she made was by instincts, straight from the heart.

"A dash of cinnamon, a sprinkle of this, and handful of that!" She never used a timer either, she would go by the aroma that wafted out of the oven, into the kitchen air. "The almond smells just about rightly baked, yep, these are done!"

Every Friday afternoon, was Annabelle's favorite time to bake. After baking the cupcakes, she would pack the cupcakes up in something she built, called a cupcake cart, which resembled a shopping cart, but had larger wheels and a weather-proof covering so she could deliver the cupcakes rain, snow, or sunshine; and she would deliver them to all ten families living in the village's door and give a batch of cupcakes. The families would wait eagerly looking out their windows as she came closer and closer to their door. Knock, knock, kn-

"Annabelle!! We've been waiting for your cupcakes all week!! Last weeks were so delicious! Thank you!!"

As she went to deliver the cupcakes to the local general store, she noticed Mr. and Mrs. Beezly weren't there anymore. A women wearing high heels, and a gray pant-suit was behind the counter, that now had a marble finish, with a handy dandy new high tech cash register. Annabelle also noticed all new floors, wall tiles, freezers, fridges, and shelves were installed.
"Excuse me?" What happend to Mr. and Mrs. Beezly?" Annabelle asked the women behind the counter.

The lady replied, "They sold the store to me, Oh- you must be the cupcake girl! Listen, I was in the city last week, and someone had a cupcake baked by... well, you, and let me tell you, those are magical! Hi, my name is Janice Williams, owner of the "Grocery Land" food chain, all across the world. We are known for our exquisite bakery department, with baked goods made from our very own secret recipes. We are looking to totally makeover and re-vamp our bakery department, with more edge, more flair, more... modern! Grandma's baked goods are so so yesterday! In today? Fresh, new, and vibrant baked goods, very much similar to... well, your cupcakes. Mind if I sample one of your cupcakes once more?"

"Ughh, sure, yes!" Annabelle replied.

"OHHhhh WOWW!! OHHH WOWWW!!! Whoaa! Those are amazing!! Listen, I will give you one-million-dollars, plus a lifetime worth of groceries, if you redesign, and create our new bakery department's baked goods menu and recipes.

Annabelle was in awe, "Wow! Really? That would be wonderful, then I can bake all of the cupcakes that I could ever imagine, and bring even more joy to my friends, family, so the answer is... YES!"

"Wonderful dear, you start tomorrow, I will send you a limousine that will transport you from your home to our baking lab in the city. What I need from you, is tomorrow come in with prepared ideas and recipes, so tomorrow we can bake, then taste test, and make decisions."

"Wow, a limousine?!!" I can't wait! I'll see you tomorrow!", Annabelle cheerfully replied. So Annabelle went home, on her walk home she went from extremely happy to thinking, "Wow, this is a lot of responsibility". " What if they don't like my baked goods?" "What if I let them down?" "I'll be so embarrassed if they don't like my baked goods", "Am I ready for this?" "I don't have any training, do I have enough experience?" "What if my baked goods are so bad, that they put the entire Grocery Land chain out of business?! So many people would be out of a job, all because of me! I'd let everyone down, including my friends and family!" "Oh no! What if I am successful, what kinds of responsibilities will I have?" "What if I don't have time to make my family and village friends their cupcakes? Will they be mad at me?"

Annabelle suddenly felt sick to her stomach. She had such an amazing opportunity, but she didn't see it that way. So many thoughts cluttered her mind. She suddenly felt so scared, dizzy, almost like she was in a fog. She knew though, that she had to prepare ideas and recipes for her first day tomorrow, so she went to her kitchen got out her ingredients, and then thought to self "I'm hungry", so she rummaged through the fridge and had a snack, she wasn't satisfied with the snack, so she made a lasagna dinner, after the lasagna dinner, she still wasn't satisfied so she made fudge brownies, after all that- she was still hungry, but not for food. She was hungry for safety, she wanted to know that Janice Williams, and the rest of the world would love her baked goods, but she just didn't know what was to come the next day in the bakery lab. She was now mad at herself, because she felt sick to her stomach, and she ate some ingredients that she needed.

Annabelle procrastinated preparing recipes for the next day. She would go into the kitchen to bake, and think, "This just isn't my style, I don't use recipes, I can't bake under pressure!" She would then go to take her mind off of the baking, by checking her e-mail, playing video games, and daydreaming. "Wow, a lifetime full of groceries! I'm going to bake like crazy everyday!! And one-million-dollars!! Wow, I'm going to put half in the bank, buy a cottage in the country, buy an apartment in New York City!! Also a lovely place in Paris, perhaps? Wow! Maybe I'll open up my own bakery!!

Before Annabelle knew it, the time was four in the morning, and the limousine was coming at six in the morning. Mad at herself now, because she knew she was only going to have an hour of sleep, she decided to just go to bed.

"Beep, beep, beep!!" Annabelle's alarm went off bright and early an hour later. She woke up exhausted, "Today is going to an interesting day... let's hope I can survive it," She told herself. I have nothing prepared. How did I let that happen?

The limousine picked Annabelle up, and dropped her off to the top secret bakery lab. Janice Williams greeted her, "Hello dear... welcome. And this- is the bakery lab-. This will be your office where you can organize your recipes, and over here- is your kitchen, I have all the ingredients you will ever need, but if just by any chance, there is anything you will need, you can press this button-- on your very own concierge will come, and get you whatever you need! So, I need seven muffin recipes, eight cookie recipes, fifteen cupcake recipes, six brownie recipes, and twelve pie recipes, all by 6PM. Understood?

Annabelle gulped, "Yes".

Janice Williams left the room, and as she was leaving she said, "Good thing you had yesterday to prepare!"

Annabelle put her apron on and just stared at the kitchen. She froze. The feeling of dizziness, and nausea came back again, she thought "There is no way I will be able to do this". She started one task, and then got distracted and would start something new. "Think, think, think!" She thought. But no ideas came to her mind. She paced the kitchen with sweaty palms and thought what am I going to do?" Before Annabell knew it, the time was 2PM, then 5PM, and as the minute hand stuck, it was 6PM. Janice Williams rushed through the door. "Okay dear! Show me what you got!"

Annabelle, sadly replied, "Nothing".

"What?"- Janice Williams could not believe it.

"I'm sorry, but I have nothing done".

Janice Williams was furious. "You're fired Annabelle. "

Annabelle went home and cried. "I failed. I let everyone down." Annabelle stayed in her apartment that night, tossing and turning as she tried to goto sleep. Weeks and weeks passed by, Annabelle, stayed inside feeling sorry for herself. Her phone was ringing off of the hook, letters were pouring into her mailbox, they said things such as "Annabelle, we miss you" "Annabelle where have you been? I've been craving your cupcakes". Annabelle did not bake ever since the Food Land incident. She tried, but just could find the heart in it anymore. It saddened her, she lost the joy in baking. One day, she received a knock on her. Ding-dong. Annabelle opened the door, and no one was there. But, there was a box in purple wrapping paper with a bow. So, Annabelle, opened the box up quickly to find a note. The note said, "You are a person of dreams, desires, and passions to share, you are not the wounded part of you. You must get back to doing what you love. Remember, love the process, not the payoff. One thing to know, Annabelle, you said you were afraid of letting people down, how about doing it for you? Doing it being you enjoy doing it. Afraid of failure? well guess what? Failure is a gift, an opportunity to learn and grow from it. If you don't take risks, you will die anyway, except only half the person you were meant to be. People will always have negative things to say, and accept it- it is what it is. Remember, you like to bake, but you are not your cupcakes, you are so much more. You are not your negative thoughts.

Something clicked in Annabelle, to where she thought to herself, "I could either sit here and waste my life away, or I could pick myself up, push myself, be productive"

Once Annabelle dropped the concerns of what others thought of her, things started to flourish- she wrote down this time her recipes, and sold enough recipes to companies, that she was able to save up to open up her very own bakery. Her bakery outsold Food Land's baked goods, which led them to go out of business. Annabelle, then bought Food Land, and gave it back to Mr. and Mrs. Beezly. Annabelle's bakery, Magical Munchie's, became a phenomenon across the country, and the tiny village of Sycamore, become a tourist attract, reducing the taxes for the village people. Annabelle then married the owner of, Dulishish Donuts, they combined their businesses, and together they lived a sweet, happily, ever after life.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Folktale Friday: "Mohemy Minds Mute"


This is a story of an average human being, five fingers, five toes she was aged somewhere in her twenties. Her name was, Mohemy. She had a good head on her shoulders and a healthy heart. Everyone around town seemed to adore Mohemy. They would say things about her such as "I love Mohemy! She's so fun to be around!" "Mohemy is so full of life!" When people would tell Mohemy this, it made her feel good, but she never knew what to say, so she would smile politely and reply "thank-you so much!" Mohemy loved being around people- in fact, when she was around people she would get so excited, and wanted to show some sort of gratitude of spending time together, she loved bringing smiles to their faces. At the same time, she wanted them to stay, and feel comfortable. She associated feeling comfortable with people, by talking. She thought "if we have a lot to talk about, then we will find something in common, and then we will have a connection!"

So it was a Friday night, there was a town event, Mohemy put on her best dress, and arrived with a smile. At arrival, she extended her hand, and introduced herself to the guests, "Hi, I'm Mohemy.... scared for an awkward silence, she would talk about the first thing she noticed about the person. ".....uhhh I like your tie!". The other person was flattered at the least. She would charm people, and talk a mile-a-minute. When she ran out of things to say, she would make another observation and talk about that-
" I feel like I know you from somewhere- do you work at the coffee shop on the corner? No? Oh, okay, I really love that place- they have blueberry coffee! It's so good! Blueberries are good too! Did you know they're high in antioxidants? You know what else is high in antioxidants? Green-tea and!.... KETCHUP!! Yes! Ketchup! I was surprised when I read that! It's in something called Lycopene, I believe... but I prefer salsa over ketchup- it's more natural, and it has less sugar! and she would go on and on and on- she chatted with just about everyone at the event, except there was one person who she did not talk to- and that was the boy whom she had a crush on. He seemed like the life of the party, chatted with just about everyone there, he was the only one whom Mohemy was intimidated to talk to.

That night, she went home- and was sad for some reason, so she took a night stroll to the local park, and sat under her favorite tree, it was a weeping willow tree with long, soft oval leaves with colors ranging from various shades of green to a blueish, yellow color. Just then, out of nowhere came a face from the weeping willow tree. Mohemy at first was scared, but she felt a sense of familiarity of the face.

"Hello Mohemy, I'm Master Omnicient, the "wise weeping willow tree", why so blue today?"

Mohemy needed someone to talk to- so she replied, "I went to a town gathering today, and even though I connected with everyone, I still feel so disconnected, I'm lonely".

Master Omnicient replied, "Mohemy, did you make an effort to talk to people? Get to know them?"

---"Yes! I talked to every single person there! I had great and long conversations!

"Yes, but I asked if you got to know them", Master Omnicient said.

Mohemy replied, "Yes we talked so much, there wasn't one awkward silence moment!!"

"Ah ha! If you don't have any pauses for silence, you aren't truly listening to the other person! You're so in your head thinking about what to say next! Silence is the real harmony to connecting with a human being. Harmoney of the heart. Chit-chat is clutter of the mind. Clutter that has been saved from the past, and needs to be cleared out. Only silence will you be in the "now" present moment. You my friend, have something I'd like to call, "the disease to please" and "fear of the unknown". As long as everyone else is happy, you are too, or so you think. And fear of "What if we don't connect?" My friend, the truth is what will bring you closer to your destiny. First, love yourself. Your flaws, for you are human. You are protecting- take off your carnival mask, and reveal you, for you- yourself are a miracle. Your mask is not you, it is false. Bondings made with this mask are just that- false. The relationships are just a mere illusion. Remember, you will never know the next moment in life, accept it. So live in the now by listening and embracing the silent moments, for only then- will you find words with meaning."

Something clicked inside Mohemy, "Oh... I thought the way to knowing someone was by communicating?"

-- Master Omniscient replied- "My friend, silence is communication, communication of the heart, communication of just being there- verbal communication is lovely too, remember, there is more than one way of communicating, slow down the mind, breath, and simply just "be".

Just then Master Omniscient's face disappeared. A rattling noise from the bushes came about, and appeared was the guy at the town event, whom Mohemy wanted to speak to, but was too intimidated to.

"I come here to think too... I heard everything", the guy said.

Just as Mohemy was about to explain herself, the guy went on to say,

..."I saw you at the town event, and I had no idea, you felt that way-

Normally, Mohemy would talk in defense to justify any actions that may have revealed any sort of vulnerability that may of altered one's view of her being a "strong" young lady. but just as she was about to speak, she paused, took a breath, and replied, "It's true." Just that. Not- "No- well, usually I- but and plus I wasn't feeling that good, and you know how you feel when you only got this many hours of sleep, so-..."

Simply, "It's true."

Just then, the guy replied, "Wow, I felt the same way, I just didn't know other people did, thank you so much for sharing that" "I felt so uncomfortable with silence, that I tried to cover it up, by talking a lot, but I would still go home feeling so alone. I would ask myself, why do I care what these people think of me? I never really understood it, until just a few moments ago, when I realized you can only give away what you have, and I didn't have acceptance for myself. I hid everything, people would assume were "flaws".

Mohemy suddenly did not feel so alone. For once, she did not make a connection on an exterior observation, but from something within.

"Hi, I'm Donato, by the way, I really thought you were cute, and I wanted to introduce myself, but I'll be honest, I was kind of intimidated by your bubbly presence."

That night Mohemy and Donato discovered a key to a door in their life that was locked for so long, all due to fear. They found a new kind of communication, one that was real.

Written by: Amy Jans

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dress-Up, Dress-down, Just Wear One.


So I decided to wear a dress today, and always, always you get the question "why are you dressed up today?" And I couldn't help but giggle inside, because really, I was more comfortable than an over-sized man sitting in a recliner. So I decided to put together a list, of why dresses are sometimes better than jeans.


Top 10 Reasons Why Dresses Are Sometimes Better than Jeans

10. You can ballet plie' so much easier
9. No elastic waistbands!
8. When you run, you feel like you're a victim in a thriller movie, just because you never plan on running in a dress.
7. You can trick people into thinking your pregnant by pushing your shoulders forward, puffing your stomach out, rubbing your belly, and walking on your feet like you just walked the Revlon for Cancer Walkathan. Fishing for compliments wearing makeup and heels is trite and overused I must say! Now fishing for observations, that's technique.
6. You can go bra-less and not look like a ho! Fuck you, not my fault this dress has awkward fitting criss-cross-halter-like-spaghetti straps!
5. No pockets! Wearing cargo pants is like an open invitation to hold random people's chap-sticks. No excuse this time! Looks like you're going to have to hold it, maybe then you'll remember how chaffed your lips really are, and quench your lips that are screaming "i'm thirsssty, rub that stick of wax on meh".
4. If you sit indian style, tuck your dress under your feet, you look like you're in a sleeping bag pouch. (If it's long enough)
3. Going to the grocery store wearing pants is a chore, going to the grocery store in a dress is productive!
2. Taking time to plan what pants you want to wear is time consuming enough, let alone worrying about what shirt to wear! With a dress, it's all-in-one! Why do you think parents love onesies so much? Minus the snaps of course!
1. They just are

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Flight Write



Options of self occupying of five hours: voyaging the internet, taking advantage of the WiFi on an airplane- ... just because I can or... taking the five hours all to myself indulging in uncompleted projects? Final decision? Alternating between reading a non-fiction, and staring out the window to let my mind wander, of course!

Say you spilled ketchup on your favorite pair of pants- what would you think to yourself? Thought number one: Ughhh ketchup of course you would have to smother the fabric of my one and only favorite pair of jeans! Or, option number two: Whoops, at-least it wasn't bleach! Chances are, you wouldn't think either of those two, but what I'm trying to get at, by lollydallying around with words: do you look at the glass half empty- or half full?

Oh really? Yes, really! Throughout the past few years, realizing how your outlook on one simple thought "like vs. dislike", can really, well- change your life. Looking at things, people, places, events, ect- with a dislike vibe, is a scarcity mentality. We look at those things, in terms of what it lacks. Why do we invest our energy on the lacks instead of snacks? Are you a victim of the "only me" syndrome? "If only I had..."? That is what type of energy you are admitting to the universe- and that is what you will get back. Expecting to find happiness, by things "going right"- is only temporary. You are the person who decides is things are "going right" and you are the person who decides what is "right".

Think about everything we have- water, the sun, the blue sky... a spiral notebook. Give thanks. Send love, and it will return. Have you ever felt like you failed at something? What were you focusing on? What you did WRONG! Failure does not exist, but only opportunity to learn, and better yourself. Lastly, believe that whatever it is, that you desire, believe that you already have it, us humans are "more more more" machines, good and bad- good- it drives us; however, bad because we will always, always- ALWAYS want more more and more- where is the authentic happiness if we're always striving, and never arriving? Proof: remember when you were a kid, watching Saturday morning cartoons- and you witnessed a colorful, vivid, and enchanting commercial that some marketing major devised with every intention of getting an "I want that" response from every one in the age group the commercial was pitched to? Perhaps, that toy went on your holiday wish list, or birthday list, and if you were born after 95'- I'm assuming there is a Toys R' Us gift registry it went on. You would dream about the toy, picture it sitting in your bedroom with the access of holding it in your own very two hands. You finally get the toy, play with it- and then- you're done with it. Well- small or large items on your adult wish-list will have the same effect, unless if you really start to appreciate what we have without it.

If we stop focusing on what we don't have, and appreciate the things that have entered our lives, we are on a path of growth and fulfillment.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

We're Not Talking About Vin Diseal Here....


ICANN the non profit corporation that coordinates internet naming systems such as .com, .net., .edu, ect- approved an internet domain ending for the porn websites. They really have to invest in a high tech virus scanner, as they're worried the website will be hacked and convert children's websites such as Disney.com to Disney.xxx. 110,000 websites are already pre-registered, the head of one company who will remain disclosed, quoted, "yeah yesterday was full of registrations, after I pre-registered my company for the .xxx domain name, I pre-registered my daughter for her ballet class". The changes should take place in 2011, online. They tried doing the switch forty years ago; however, no one knew what the internet was. They would change the .com to .xxx, as a way of easy filtering, so if you find your favorite website doesn't exist anymore, simply just change the .com to .xxx.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Neglected Passages


Yuck. Four months just blew by without writing here, somebody hand me some AquaNet, to get an extra strong hold on some self-discipline. We could all use some of that, right?
What is going on with writer's block, and a fear of writing, what in the world. Well, bad writing, is just plain bad writing, but it does not define how you are as a writer. You see the gold is there, you just have to dig for it. So here I am, a little leprechaun on a voyage for my own pot-of-gold. There would be no value to the gold if it was sitting right above ground, on a platform, with a gigantic arrow in neon lights floating right above, pointing to it. Point being, sucky writing, or sucky anything, is all apart of the process of getting what you want,

I guess we can say we always want more, more, and more- but we don't want to go through the obstacles of getting it, why? A fear barrier, perhaps, so we would rather not do anything at all, to prevent from failing. Well, wake up- failing is great. And there is no such thing as failing, but only opportunity.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Vitamins for the Mind- Another Quote


"Originality and the feeling of one's dignity are achieved only through work and struggle". - Dostoyevsky

Monday, February 8, 2010

Dissecting Topics... Today's Topic is... Coffee!


COFFEE

Some people can't have a normal day without it. I can't function without it: "Don't talk to me I, haven't had my my.... oh man am I tired, what was I gonna say? Oh yeah, I haven't had my coffee yet". Last night it was my Ambien.

There's this type of coffee called "instant" coffee, we want everything instant- if I never had instant coffee, I would be a little disappointed when I found out you have to wait for the water to boil. How dare they lie, now if they would have called it "almost instant" coffee, I wouldn't care. But instant is such a demanding word. "Good morning, I need coffee instantly!" Immediately." No exaggeration with that one.

I feel they should call it desperate coffee "I need caffeine, don't have a coffee maker, give me my instant and hot tap water". Yes, desperate I was.

Always regretful when you drink too much coffee by accident. You can't go back. Especially if you have to get up early. "Tomorrow's going to be a long day, well there's always coffee!"

Coffee can be different flavors now, and I mean real different- " I need a caffeine kick and am craving KFC, oh perfect- I'll take the corn flavored coffee. Oh wait, you have dandelion, nah you know what? I'll have the french fry flavor coffee. I hope your to go bags are durable enough to double as a barf bag.

(What's hard) When you grab a cup of coffee togo, and you're running errands- some stores won't allow you in until you finish it. "You can't come in unless you finish that coffee" Their security is tighter on coffee policy's, meanwhile stolen merchandise is just breezing out the door. There's a decoy idea for you.

Not fond of when you buy a cup of coffee, and they won't let you fix it yourself. No matter how many times, I say "just a drop". I get a cup equivalent of a dairy farm. "How would you like your coffee miss?" "Oh I'll do it" "We can't do that ma'am" You can't do many things, such as customer service.

I hate when you goto a coffee shop, just want to relax and read the news paper while sipping on your over priced beverage, and you discover the coffee shop has turned into a library. Teenagers having environmental science meetings, people reading chapter books being read from Chapter 1 to finish. Waiting to snatch a table as with five other people is not a good situation for an unaggressive person like myself, and the coffee shop is certainly one place I do not want competition.

Now you would think the empire of coffee you know the place with the Medusa looking girl with the stars over her head logo- no not Seattle's Best, I'm talking about every single US and beyond metro area's best- don't you think they could be a little more generous with the bathrooms. A business once soly based on selling liquids- always seems to have just one bathroom. Maybe throw in an extra one- one that's not unisex.

I never understood when people said "I can make a mean pot of coffee" oh you mean, you know how to read directions? I didn't know I qualified then for praise. Good to know. Or are you saying you take vacations to Kenya, pick your own special coffee beans, and smash it up with your own method? Do let me know, as I will be very impressed with either or.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Sugar Rush


Uncle Ernie, so glad to hear you're following your diet... you diabetic!!

Being with someone who's stubborn and a type 2 diabetic is always a fun time at the grocery store. It's like shopping in a toy store with a kid (except a deli is involved).
"Put down the cake, no- no you're not getting the cake!! Okay, okay.... only if you promise- after dinner, you will shoot up. Your insulin, of course."

When you buy a dessert with a diabetic in the household, you need to place it in a secretive spot, almost like child-proofing the medicine from your home, storing desserts in a place diabetics can't reach; therefore, I made a list of tips on diabetic-proofing your kitchen:

* If you eat a dessert, do not eat in front of a diabetic. Diabetics love to mimic what they can't have.
* Dispose all desserts properly, not in the garbage openly, desperation causes drastic measures.
* And finally securing the cabinet with a lock, no not for them but for my emotional eating issues.


I wonder if bitter spouses use their wifes' or husband's diabetes to their advantage? I mean, I'm sure they understand the concept of a diabetic coma. "What's that Mabel? You want your husband's life insurance money?" ---- Just remember, Mabel, only fifteen peach pies, till you reach the prize!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Rattle Climbing



You know what's weird?

Baby carriers! They're the thing parents click their baby's beefcake body in and securely safe-en them in what appears to be a "baby backpack"? You know what else it looks like? Rock climbing equipment. Look at those poles sticking out! I mean, my back hurts, just from using a backpack, let alone a strapped on car-seat. A seat with a human being, kicking, and whining. What's scary is, is how easy it is to loose balance in everyday life, let alone having a great deal of weight completely throw off your center of balance from your front weight to your rear weight. Imagine how horrible that would be if you understandably trip while wearing the "baby backpack"? Not only your baby's soft spot be manipulated to some degree, but your spine will be a little messed up as well. People, I know you want to do everything in this world; however, you need to come to terms that yes- according to, Charles Darwin, the evolution theory very well could exist; HOWEVER, the human body does not need to recognize the necessity for kangaroo pouches... or do we?

Conversation with Mother



PHONE TALK WITH MARY
AMY JANS

AMY calls her MOTHER (Mary Jans) after seeing a total of seven missed phone calls.

ME
Hello?

MOTHER
Hold on, washing the dogs feet off.

ME
What?

MOTHER
Well there's a dog swine flu going round so i don't want her to catch it.


FATHER (Edward Jans) picks up a spare telephone at the Jans' residence.

FATHER
Hello?

ME
Hi.

FATHER
Your mother's washing the dog's feet off.

ME
I know (laughs).

MOTHER
Well I don't want her to catch the swine flu. Here, say hi to Molly (the dog).

Mother puts telephone near dog's ear.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

In the News Twoday, 1/20-1/21


Good news, the season finale is airing tonight, following a "Jersey Shore" reunion. Tonight is the last night you will ever have to endure this obnoxious, but truthful show of smugness. Psych! "The Jersey Shore 2" is in the works, but instead of following, Snooki and "The Situation", they will be following now retired NJ govenor, John Corzine, showing him being reckless having affairs, and riding around in Cadillac s without a seat belt.

Pictures of Tiger Woods in his sex rehab came out, despite his addiction to erotic rough gatherings, the title of the clinic is "Gentile Gatherings". Tiger, no more the ferocious tiger in the sack, more so a "gentile" little kitty cat.

Survivor contestant, Jennifer Lyon, died of stage 3 breast cancer, survivor she was not.

An 83 year old man, beat a 99 year old man, 2 months shy of 100, with a metal tool, and threatened to cut off his balls. I think after reading that, I need a hip replacement.

Fifty- Haitian orphan children arrived in Pittsburg, PA on tuesday. Jay-Z is planning on calibrating with them on "It's a Hard Knock Life- Part 2". No one cares for you a smidge, when you're in an orphanage.... certainly not the case here.

A tribute to Micheal Jackson at this year's, Grammy's, is a 3-D performance. Watching him moonwalk is fantastic, now if he could walk on me, that would be even better.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Nutrients for the Mind, A Quote


"Many people think they want things, but they don't really have the strength, the discipline. They are weak. I believe that you get what you want if you want it badly enough." ~Sophia Loren

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Thoughts for the day:

photo cred: tess bungay, that time in montreal.

What if the human body was just a torso and a head? With technology becoming so extravagant, are bodies are in less physical demand from a decade ago. What if evolution furthered, and changed the human anatomy to another step. What if your arms, hand, legs, and feet appeared when your mind told you you needed them? The other day, I must have crossed and uncrossed my legs a total of fifty-three times, all within an hour. Sitting down talking to someone, you really don't need your arms it's like they just hang there sometimes. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with them, so I tie them in a knot, sometimes one hand may cup my chin, as the other hand may be stretched across the table. Weird.

Umbrellas:
I love how when it rains, people bring out their rain "accessories". You see girls who break out the polka dot umbrellas, and what do you know, it matches their headband. Could you imagine using a beach umbrella as a rain umbrella? I love how the younger crowd of men, use the umbrellas like a pimp cane, complete with the swagger.

Paint's Peeling.



Disclaimer: This piece has not been edited yet, and probably won’t be.

That is it, no subway riding alone past 11:30PM. It’s scary how exhaustion, can really just emotionally, and physically wipe you out. Life has consisted of the same, wake up, eat, work, write, fall asleep during writing- so in return- can erase write from the daily routine list. How is it- and why is it, that we as human’s run our bodies down till we have no fuel, can be so consumed in just getting by, yeah- we want to have it all, home life- work life, and time dedicated to hobbies. So we run our fucking immune system down till it has bacteria has conquered, till our bones can’t move, till we are reminded by our very own family members how wicked we have become. I can say, I have been corrupted by this modern life. Thinking about it makes me sick, it literally makes me nauseous, how my idea, to me, of how a “good day” ends, is knowing that I had no conflicts with people. Why? Yes, exactly. I am appalled. With people, people who you do favor’s for, go out of your way to make them feel comfortable, open your heart to, only to find out the disgusting, disappointing, lack of couth in them.

Back to the story, so- had a wonderful evening actually with a new friend, going home I was a tad tired, but was alright enough to endure the F train Brooklyn bound train. As soon I hit the seat, I fell right to sleep. Exhaustion and hunger causes a degree of unawareness, only for reality to hit you when it’s too late. As waking up to an unfamiliar territory as waking up- past your subway stop, in deep Brooklyn, by yourself, at 2:45AM, causes panic. Panic plus unawareness causes, me to leave my bag on the train! Realizing that my wallet, my well earned wallet, complete with compartments where you store very important cards, such as license, credit card, bank card, CVS CLUB CARD’s. Then I think what was in that bag? I forgot to mention, that with me, I also had a backpack- due to me leaving the apartment at 7AM, and not returning until 3AM, I like to pack myself “just in case” things, such as water, snack, chapstick, ect, “entertainment” things, such as my favorite book at the moment, notebook, and newspaper, and of course the “vitals” such as toothbrush, toothpaste, glasses, contact solution, ect ect.

SO- this particular day, I was all set to write, so I bring my notebook with me. Now, let me explain how important this notebook is, this 8-subject notebook, is my life. Literally, every thought of the day is in my notebook, every observation, is in my notebook, and a whole subject is dedicated to my journal entries. Words can not explain how important this notebook is to me, at the moment, my only sense of having something private. It’s just what keeps me going through the day. Everything great, everything horrible, it’s okay- it’s not horrible anymore after I document this, that is in my notebook, this 8-subject notebook was filled to the 7th subject, my work routines, that I have invested hours and hours of writing, and re-writing, brainstorm bubbles stashed away, I even take it to bed with me, and stash it under my pillow like a child secures their lost tooth, for the tooth fairy. And, also what was in my bag, was a very special book that was given to me, it had such great meaning to me, and when in need of inspiration, all I would have to do, is read the index to feel lifted. That book was in the bag. As well as the many pens I have collected from random places, they seem like no significance, but when I think about it, each pen gave me a different style of written, it was in the grip, the color ink, the circumference, click top- or manual? Ball-point easy glide? All of these qualities, I cherished. Much more was in this bottom-less bag. First step- call mother to cancel the cards, as by this point I was in a very panicked state, unable to manage in situation like this myself, when by myself. So cool, she was borderline calm about that- I actually am not exactly sure, as I hung up before the heightened questions could arise. Second, I think “oh, well the MTA should have some sort of 24 hour phone line that deals with situations like this all the time. Call one number, nothing, has to deal with this retched machine, expected that. Called the 1-800-number, my supposed “smart-phone” then turned into an “unintelligent-phone” the minute I actually needed the features, I was in problem-solve mode, “let’s do this”, I will report it, and get everything going. As soon as tried to dial this “1-800” number, my phone froze, and a ridiculous hour glass appeared on the screen. WHAT?!!! Get off my screen you untimely piece of sadness, go where you belong… on the Wizard of Oz! With the witch. Turns out the 1-800 number, wasn’t a 24 hour MTA card line. WHAT?!! HOW COULD THE FUCKING NYC MTA, NOT HAVE A 24 HOUR PHONE LINE. WHAT IS THIS! This is not St. Louis in the 1950’s, okay? This is New York City, post fucking Y2K. This needs to be fixed. Just then, I look up and see a 24-hour booth, at the subway, I said to myself “ohh please be helpful”. Goto the booth, some oversized perm pressed, nail-clacking, Bubbleyum chomping female sitting in that fishtank booth, I looked her in the eyes, not even thinking about my fear of eye contact, and say from the bottom of my heart, “Please, I lost my purse, on the train, please, is there anything you can do”? She replies with without hesitation “NO”. I think to myself “what, am I really in AMERICA right now?’ I said “Please, I had everything in there, there’s no one you can page?” “NO. The only thing you can do is to go down to Coney Island and see if it’s there when the rail conductor cleans the train, but it ain’t probably gonna be der.” I’m thinking to myself “what the fuck, how are you even worthy of a fucking name tag, you piece of chewed up mildewed moron bitch, it is fucking 2:45AM, I am by myself, and I am not going to fucking voyage to the fucking beach of Brooklyn to come in contact, with more illiterate bodies like you”. I replied, “Really? There’s no numbers, walky-talky channels, paging, that you can do, what about a LOST AND FOUND?!!!” She then says “Oh yeahhhhh, you could do that, sure” “WELL CAN I HAVE THE NUMBER?” She replies, “Oh, wait, dey closed on da weekends” As she shuffles around fucking disorganized scraps of celebrity pictures, and lined paper, I hear the Manhattan bound train, in which I need to hop on to get back to my apartment, due to my inconvenient slumber. I race upstairs, hop on, only to see two human bodies, 94% dead, laying horizontally, no shoes, no socks, filthy hoodies, homeless, that was the last straw, the release of water pours from my eyes. I just couldn’t get over this horror, how the fuck am I in America right now? The people, the lack of help, the deserted feel to this night. All I can do is hope my bag is returned to the lost and found, all I want is my notebook, that is all. Cut up my wallet, and make an arm cuff bracelet, sport my bag like you own it, but please just give back the notebook.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Wii Wi Fi Flix



Nintendo just announced that they are teaming up with the super easy entertainment DVD rental service luxury company, Netflix. You can now rent movies, straight from your Nintendo Wii, it is said to be ready for this spring. You can enter your e-mail address here: www.netflix.com/wii, to be notified. This is a great idea, as I'm surprised it hadn't been done a lot earlier, having the wi fi internet and all. When I found out the Wii didn't have a dvd player already installed like Playstation 2, I was a little disappointed. Looking very much forward to this coming out; it takes the stress of spilling coffee on the rental.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Boggus Bonuses.



So- I am a mind reader! No crystals needed. You can too be a mind reader, all you have to do is.... understand the movement of eyebrows.

The brows, lets you know if you should continue to talk or not.

If you notice, when you talk to someone you can see what’s going on here (gesture to the brain) by here (facial movements up and down).

High arched brows, means “Oh you want to hear more!”

No… you just had botox.

But this one here, I’m positive it’s accurate
(Pointing to wrinkle in forehead and upper lip curling)

This is what it says about that person: “I am a phony, pompous, prick, your idea sucks”
Once that face flashes, that’s it, it’s not worthy of a proud deliverance,
So I mumble

And then it just appears that I’m illiterate and deformed.

And somehow the deformed idea becomes the employee of the month’s idea,
And it’s brilliant!

“hey, umm, maybe- uhh, maybe perhaps, we could have maybe a point system?”
(Phony prick look flashed)

But wait, there’s more!
(Employee of the month clears the throat, free of any squeaks)
“HEY-I HAVE IT! WE NEED TO HAVE a…. a…. A POINT SYSTEM!”

“Oh! Yes yes yes! I like that a lot! Hm, great! Let’s do it.”

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Free hugs, fantastic, Expensive hugs, frightening.

What you're about to see is some sappy creep who wants to install some sort of disillusioned world peace. Shut the fuck up, free hug harry, and fuck the "Sick Puppy" song in the background.



and while you're on Oprah, pretending you're not homeless, why don't you attempt to manufacture your "free hugs" into a blow up doll, so she'll have one more thing to ad to her "favorite thing's" show, "free cars people!" "free vacations people!" and "free hugs!!!!" Yeah, see how the stepford housewives enjoy that.

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Woes of Whoaaa.


The frosty brisk winter weather has me dreaming about what I'd be doing today, if this was the summer season. Imaginably, I would have plans to scoot on out to the boardwalk, or an amusement park. Waiting in line for a rickety wooden roller coaster, maybe a water ride with cars in the shape of logs (log flume), or the carousel? That's the breaks. The carousel is one creepy ride- the drowning organ music that plays in a loop on repeat, the horse head’s and haunting fun house mirrors plastered to the walls. I must say, I can’t really recall a time when I was authentically thrilled to be on the carousel. A phony joy waving to mom and dad, as you completed a 360 for the seventh time. Don’t forget to wear your lassoed rope seat belt kids, and hang on the brass stick pulsed out of your horse’s back!

How is that every time you go to an amusement park, you end up going on a ride against your will? It's ride-rape. The only other option is to sit on the bench by yourself, or even worse, sharing the bench with a lonely elder person, and you think to yourself “is that what my life will become in fifty years, my children and grandchildren blowing me off leaving me by myself, all for their sick pleasure?” Everyone in your little amusement park group is just tickled to go on the ride, as you're like "nice, yeah- I'll contribute to gaining varicose veins in my tired legs, waiting in line for a ride with plastic horses working on a pulley system". Oh, you don’t think that? Sorry, maybe that’s just me; however, you are with people who you generally care about, and the agreement to attend, is kind of a silent agreement of “hey, let’s not complain today”.

When hunger kicks in, how is it that in a group setting, you almost always end up eating lunch at someplace called “Granny’s Chicken”? “Hmmm, let’s see, I’m at an amusement park, I’m hungry, hot, tired, and thirsty. What- what am I craving… YES GRANNY’s CHICKEN! The hot, greasy grade D chicken, and powder mashed potatoes will just hit the spot! Believe me, that is the ultimate thing I crave when walking around for six hours straight in the beaming sun with SPF 85 dripping down my back, as with other people’s SPF dripping down your back.

How about when you go on a much anticipated roller-coaster, you know, the kind that has signs bragging about how many corkscrews, double loops, camel backs, swoop-turns, and fastest speed. You wait three hours in line, while getting scolded by the rent-a-cop security guard for sitting on the handrails in the queue line, you finally get to the part where you get buckled in (unless if the assholes with the “fastpass” or "hopperpass" takes your seat) and you have to deal with the horrible belt checker who touches you purposely inappropriately as they slam the lap bar down and the ride “VJ” who reads off of a lawsuit prevention monologue script in front of them over a loudspeaker with clogged speakers “thank you for riding the (insert ride name) keep hands inside, no smoking, eating, or evaporating on this ride, have a safe trip, make it a great day, and I’m not sure if “crowd work” is in the script, but they are certainly good at bringing the obnoxious “let’s get crunked” out of everyone. “You guys ready for the ride??!!” “YEAHHHHHHHHHhhh, fuck yeahhh, NOOO HANDSSSS!!!” Saying all of this while holding “rock on” symbols with their middle and index finger tucked harshly over the thumbs. As I think to myself, no, I just went through this whole ordeal to sit in this greasy leg divider seat, so I could have this bright neon colored harness suppress the air out of my chest. The keg crowd does not only work on cue, but continues to increase the sound frequency as the speed increases of the coaster all throughout walking out to the exit, and even then- still gradually decreasing and dispersing throughout the park, the rapid raving continues.

There’s always that one person that doesn’t want to leave. You have to bargain them, one more ride? No, how about three. Two? Well, okay.

I would say the most victorious moment is when you breeze by the last turnstile counter, get your car door unlocked, shower the international population sweat off of your opened pores, put on fresh cozy clothes, get a respectable bite to eat, plunk on the couch, watch some TV re-runs, and say to self “ahh it is good to be home”.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Prevent Alzheimer's! Bathe in Radiation!

Mother knows best? How about mother, ditch the lead x-ray vest. Have you ever heard, "don't stand in front of the microwave, you'll get cancer"? You end up going to microwave a bowl of EasyMac, and ducking under the counter, in fear of nuclear fission producing in your organs. Researchers recently performed an experiment, exposing mice to long term electromagnetic waves. Some percentage included in the experiment were healthy, little wiggly mousey critters; and the rest percentage had Alzheimer's.

What was discovered was, the healthy mice avoided Alzheimer's, as for the the already diagnosed Alzheimer critters actually started getting better. Next time, hopping in a CAT scan, ditch the lead apron, and treat yourself to some lovingful rays of Alzheimer depletion. The more rays, the less Alzheimer day's.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Life Boiling to a Bucket List



So wow, here we are 2010, another decade gone to the past, with nothing but Polaroid's, oh wait- I correct myself- it's the millennium- we now have digital... no... wait... midway through this decade a large population of young folks decided carrying around a five pound cube of plastic around their neck is so much more convenient than a pocket sized clear resolution editing friendly digital; regardless, we cannot go back in time, we will not be forever young (apologizing in case if you thought of that horrid "Youth Group" song- perhaps it brought the Dillon song instead- and in that case, you're welcome. Its really got me thinking how much time flies.

My dad found out that one of his best friends died the other day, not long before that another friend has died, and not real long before that- a few cows died, everyone and everything (Al Gore, rethink your plan, I am dreading the outdoors due to the risk of frost bite on my nose) is dieing. Seeing these people so close in age die, has my dad to be in a sentimental state of mind. He now has a fear of any moment he's going to be rolling out to the pearly gates, which is even hard to type (I was torn if that word would be a compound word, hyphenated, or two separate, the verdict has been decided). He's suddenly saying things like "let's go on some day trips" or "we gotta do it soon before it's my turn". But with the passing of his friend (s) he got really nostalgic, sharing all these stories, like "yeah, one time my buddy, Pete, called into work and told the secretary he was my long lost brother, he told her to keep it a surprise". The secretary was so excited that she just could not hold in this secret, and blurted out "Ed, I have a suprise for you!! But I can't tell you, okay I have to- your long lost brother is on the phone!!" He played along like usual.

Then there was the story shared about his old friend, John Murrini. This guy was known for his marijuanna dealing. He had plants 7-ft tall. He told his neighbor, they were tomato plants. She was a ditzy hairdressor, and didn't realize the truth. Whenever she would see Murrini, she would ask- "so how are those tomato plants coming, do you know when they'll be ready?" My dad and this guy worked together, they would carpool to and from work. One morning, my dad went to pick him up, right as he's pulling into the driveway, he sees cops with loaded guns. One cop stops him. He told him "turn around, leave, we have buisness here". The cops had set up hidden trailor's and have been spying on the guy for a week or two. John Murrini and his wife were arrested, and my father never heard from him again. He found out later from a mutual buddy, that he moved to Florida, was in a fight dealing with drugs, was thrown over a boat into the ocean, and died.

To sum it up, I am now seeing the importance in really savoring each moment in life. Sometimes life can be so easy, making it a blur, living life in fast forward will only lead to missing the key parts that make you the person you will become. Think about the Freytag Pyramid which pertains to plot structure in stories, if you think about it- your whole life consists of mini stories and that contains a cycle- three main parts being- rising action, climax, and falling action- and it repeats, constantly, you can't have a climax- without either the rising action or falling action; therefore, appreciate even the hardtimes in life. Life- it may seem infinitive, but reality is- it's not. Why not give yourself one heck of an autobiography? Fill your chapter's with confusion, happiness, surprises, fear, and how beautiful your story will be, once you do reach your destination on "Fairway Lane", and how your lessons shared, your spirit, will remain in the live's close to you.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Taxpayer's pay for: "How to... shoot up!"

The New York City Drug Enforcement Administration is releasing a packet properly titled, "Take Charge, Take Care". Justified by saying it is a "step by step guide on how to inject poison", it's really a 16 page pamphlet on how to prepare drugs carefully plus the how to nurture the veins. They used $32,000.00 of taxpayer's money on printing 70,000 fliers. My question is this: Where can I print my 16 page pamphlets for a low cost of $0.45? I bet you it's printed with laser inkjets too, none of that digital junk. Speaking of junk, anyone can now officially be an educated junky, so just remember "don't always inject in the same spot", this pamphlet is so beneficial to the community, reducing infected forearms across the country. This poster will be given out, amongst the pamplets on the fluctuating percentage of 20% of illiterate adults, who 14% of the 20% need to read this pamplet; but are unable to; therefore, a protest for free walkman's, and "pamplet's on cassett" will be held.